Sometimes the thing you want to change is trying to tell you something.
In my therapy practice, I often hear people describing ways they’re not showing up as they want to: losing patience with their kids, scrolling more than they intend to, not making time for things they enjoy, comparing themselves to others.
When we notice that gap, our instinct is often to focus on the most visible part of the problem: stop yelling, quit scrolling, make more time for things you enjoy, stop comparing. But that obvious behavior is often only the surface of what’s going on, and lasting change may require understanding what keeps us stuck there.
Change can come more easily when we understand what is pulling us out of alignment with how we want to live. Often, we find an unmet need underneath.
For the past few months, I’ve exercised almost zero. I’ve had this nagging feeling that I should get back to exercise, but it sounds like a heavy lift (pun intended) when I imagine the effort it would take to push myself to get dressed and moving. And it’s even harder to imagine getting a consistent routine off the ground. But I’ve been considering that the path back to exercise may be less about a hard push and more about getting curious about what’s in the way. So I’m asking myself: What unmet needs may be making it hard to exercise right now?
The unmet needs that come to mind are rest and freedom. So my new exercise plan starts with giving myself more small breaks in the day, trying to get to bed earlier, and scheduling fun with friends. These things are important in their own right, and having more rest and freedom makes the effort of exercise feel less daunting.
Sometimes tending to an underlying need shifts the pattern almost on its own. Maybe getting more time to yourself means you’re less frustrated when your kids slow-roll bedtime, and you notice you’re no longer yelling. Other times, the pattern doesn’t disappear, but tending to the underlying need gives you more capacity to make choices that feel closer to how you want to be. Perhaps choosing family activities that are more stimulating to you - not just your kids - makes parenting more fun, and the pull to scroll gets quieter.
When we approach ourselves this way, we soften the internal struggle that can keep us stuck. Getting curious about what a pattern may be telling us we need is a way of tenderly acknowledging that there’s a reason we’re feeling or acting this way. That acknowledgment can be soothing and can open us to new possibilities.
The more aware we are of our needs, and the more clearly we can name them - to ourselves and to others - the more room there is for empathy, collaboration, and creative ways of meeting them. Sometimes the path to change isn’t about pushing harder, but about listening and understanding.
Where have you recently felt out of alignment with how you want to live?
What might that pattern be trying to tell you?